Journal, Not a Diary
by loser in the gutter
Summary: Journal entries from Edward Elric. Mixed dates and mixed messages.
1. Chapter 1

March 12th, 2009: Oh god did I want to kiss him. It was so much that I had never wanted anything more in my life. But I couldn't. No, I couldn't because he had just gotten out of a relationship a few weeks before. I couldn't because that relationship was with my best friend. Well, more of an ex-best friend, but I didn't really realize it at the time.

March 12th, 2009: All I knew was that this guy that I had spent months hanging out with was now someone that I had feelings for. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted him to put his arm over me during the movie. I wanted to cuddle up to him and have him run his fingers though my hair like I watched him do to his own so many times before.

January 21st, 2009: Everyone had said that we were going to get together, but he was my best friend. I talked to him about everything and anything, and he did the same with me. He later told me that I was his escape from his girlfriend. I was the only thing that made him happy during those three months of non-stop drama.

March 17th, 2009: But I had never imagined actually being having feelings for him, let alone being in a relationship with him. It was so unreal. He kissed me like I wanted my first kiss to be. A real fairy-tale kiss, with fireworks and romantic music and all that other shit that goes along with it.

August 7th, 2008: He kissed me with an open mouth that seemed like it wanted to swallow me whole. My first kiss was in the most romantic location –a beach at sunset- but with a totally not romantic guy. It was just perfect, looking at my luck, that my first kiss, (first love?) would be horrible.

August 29th, 2008: He broke up with me because I didn't want to go further. I should've listened to them when they told me what an ass he was. I hate that I let myself fall for such a manipulating bastard.

April 16th, 2009: I love him. I love him with all my heart and I can't even tell him. It comes so close to slipping out when we say goodbye on the phone. It just feels natural or like something I should be saying to him. Because I do; I love him. But I don't want to pressure him into feeling the same way.

April 20th, 2009: Maes was talking to him today when he said that he loved me. Maes told me and I couldn't believe it. Why wouldn't he tell me? Timing, Maes said. I want him to say it so I can't finally tell him how I feel all the time. I can tell him how unbelievably lucky I feel.

May 2nd, 2009: He loves me. I love him. It's the best feeling in the world and I hope that it never goes away. This is almost as amazing as when we first got together. I don't think I'll ever be happier.

March 13th, 2009: The man of my dreams wants to date me. Me, of all the people in the world, he has chosen me. I can't believe it. And that kiss. That kiss took me for a spin. I forgot where we were, who we were, why I was there, everything was gone except for him and his lips and his hands on my hips. I can still feel the tingle of his lips on mine and if I close my eyes long enough, I can imagine that moment over and over, and it never gets old.

June 15th, 2009: I want to so bad. But something tells me that I shouldn't. I should not be ready to take such a big leap in our relationship. I mean, it's only been two months. It's far too soon for sex. I mean, I'm only 17 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be ready for this in my first serious relationship.

June 27th, 2009: I thought about it all day. I had actually been thinking about it for a few weeks. But in that moment, I knew that if I didn't say it, it would never happen. So I said it, "I'm ready" and he asked if I was sure. "Yes," I said with a nod. And he was off to his room. He came back a minute later, fully ready for what was in store.

June 27th, 2009: It hurt like fuck (which is probably where that expression comes from I guess) but it was totally worth it. I love him. I love him so much that I gave my body to him, free except for the price of love. I'm sure I'll be sore for a while, but if it made him happy, I'm happy. He felt so bad for hurting me, but I knew it would happen and accepted the fact and wasn't mad at him. Sitting was just a little difficult.

July 19th, 2009: A bit over three months and we were finally public. There were many that were angry, and I was called a slut. It hurts, but having him all to myself made it worth it. It's rare for me to be selfish like that, but I deserve happiness, right? Right. So I didn't let the words get to me too much. He comforted me when they did, though, even when I tried to put up a strong front.

July 31st, 2009: A friend asked why we don't have sex so often. It had been a little over a month, I'm sure he could wait. Of course, he probably wanted to. The few times that I'd seen him since that wonderful afternoon were brief and often too public for anything to really happen. I just wondered if he wanted sex more than I did.

August 6th, 2009: Twice in one day, plus me giving my first blow job. I tried one time, but then he stopped me and kissed me instead. A few hours later, after laying in bed and eating dinner, he went down on me, giving me pleasure that I wasn't expecting but that I loved. After much teasing, I finally gave a successful blow job that wasn't interrupted. I realized that my gag reflex was strong though, and had to use my hand for some of it. Tears formed in my eyes, but I really wanted to go through with it. And I did, even though it was one of the most difficult things of my life; not being able to breathe and having to gag every once in a while.

August 7th, 2009: I think I've never been happier. I'm sure I've said it before, but it's true. I love him more than anything in this world or the other. Last night reaffirmed everything that I could possibly doubt about our relationship. I hope it lasts as long as I want to because I highly doubt anyone can ever compare to this god I get to call my boyfriend.


	2. Chapter 2

August 24th 2009: It's only been 8 hours since I saw the one I love, and I feel like a sap. I keep thinking of his eyes and lips and face and how he holds me and how warm he is and how he feels inside me and then… well now I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm on a train with many people. The next stop is in an hour. Damn bastard.

August 25th 2009: So I hate being away from him. I thought I could deal with it. But I can't. It's eating me up inside that I can't be with him. I can't lay with him. I can't even hear his voice and it's not fair and I hate it that I can't vent about it to anyone. Because "no one can know". Bullshit if I ever heard it. Bastard.

August 27th 2009: No contact. No touch. No one to tell me it's alright to do the wrong thing. No "Watch out, shorty, you almost drowned in that puddle there" followed by a kiss. No fire. No flame. No kisses. No "The paperwork's almost done, I'll meet you there at 7" followed by an apology for arriving at 8. No hugs. No cologne. No ash. No smoke. No Roy. Bastard.

August 21st: I love him. I've said it before, but I really do. I really do.

August 29th: FUCK THIS. I WANT TO GO HOME.

September 2nd: I thought people were truthful yesterday and felt like a total idiot. How was I supposed to know of a little know holiday? Stupid farmers and their stupid fucking cheap laughs. They can all go to hell. I miss Roy.

September 5th: There's a nothing-ness in me that seems to consume my entire being. I'm unable to escape it. The hurt of missing him was better than this. I'm… empty. There's really no emotion. And it hurts, or at least I think it does, and I can't get it to stop, no matter what I try. It just sits at the top of my stomach, making me lose my appetite and everything seems so bland. The art in the museum is too old. The flowers on the window sill are too yellow. But not even that… everything's dead.

September 8th: I'm dying.

September 9th: Talked to Roy for the first time in a while. He was upset when I was so calm about us being apart. Of course in reality, it's tearing my heart apart not being able to see him. It's killing me, and I told him. I'm not sure if he believes me, and for the first time, I feel like I don't want to be with him.

September 10th 2009: I don't want to be with the man I love more than anything in the world. Breaking up with him would hurt both of us and ruin everything we've accomplished over the past almost 6 months. I'm in a stalemate with myself. FUCKFUCKFUCK

September 13th: A little flirting never did anyone any harm. But I still feel bad about it. I always am jealous when Roy hangs out with girls. I flirted with a guy. He's about my age. He's taller than me and had nice eyes. Just thinking of him makes me smile.

September 17th: I suppose everyone gets to a point in their relationship where there's no longer a 'spark'. But I need that I think. Because my mind keeps straying. My eyes keep wondering. And I almost dread talking to him. Oh gods… If Roy were to ever read this he'd kill me. But then, the only reason he'd read this is in my belongings when I die. When, not if. Soon, not later…

September 18th 2009: Oh gods Roy... I just don't know what to do any more...


End file.
